About a month ago I started a cycle where I'd have a burst of creativity followed by a well of lethargy. A month ago I'd have a good day, followed by a day where I'd want to stay in bed under the covers, but now it's turned into a super productive week followed by a few days where I am absolutely fed up with adulting. I suppose that's progress, and at some point my time of productivity will get longer and I'll be more okay with adulting? Or it could just be my body's way of telling me that I did good work last week and now it's time for a break.
The first month after the theaters shut down due to the COVID-19 outbreak I spent most of my time in bed with the TV on while I either watched a show that I'd been putting off for a long time, playing video games that I hadn't had time to play in years, or playing a mobile game while the TV made noise in the background. It's ridiculous how many games I downloaded during that time. Now I've been able to read without feeling cross-eyed. Every weekend or so I've been participating in private readings with my friends and each time it becomes a little less overwhelming. I've been attending webinars, I signed up for an online class, and I even cleaned my room! It's a mess again, but that's my business. I'm trying to take it day by day and to use this time to reconnect with the activities I enjoy, and be honest with myself about how the things I do, the people I interact with, and the organizations that I work with make me feel.
My inbox was (and still is) super dry, and I'm okay with that. I was never ready for the tiny heartbreak that would come from seeing an email from any of the producers of upcoming shows. As of right now I have two projects in the late-summer/early fall still active on my calendar, but there are no guarantees. This entire time I've been haunted by the thought of "what'll I do if I can't do theatre?" and I still have no answers. It doesn't help that I actively run away from that frightening idea. But we've heard announcements of various institutions either drastically altering their seasons or smaller ones who just haven't been able to keep up with their costs close their doors forever.
I've been in New Jersey this entire time. There was one day when my sister and I drove into the city to drop something off to family, and I understood why dogs stick their heads out of the window when riding in cars. I have missed the city where I grew up immensely.There were some jarring elements like driving through a nearly empty Chinatown, and (not enough) folks walking around wearing masks. But the underlying energy that defines New York was there. Not gonna lie, there are a few moments when I wonder how far I could walk from where I live.
When this pandemic began, I knew that no one would escape unscathed. That in some form or another they would be haunted by loss. I know that when we finally get back, there is no going back to normal. There will be times when I feel like I've gotten back into my normal routine and then see a beloved restaurant/bookstore/theater that couldn't afford to remain open. And it's going to ache.